got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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