I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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