fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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