I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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