I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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