Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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