She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
