The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help