everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries