you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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