this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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