My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
