It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
