Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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