I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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