im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
