i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!