If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.