Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
