Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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