my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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