i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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