I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
