ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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