matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These tits shall not be calmed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
