Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
whose parrot is this?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
