Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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