I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
