I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
