Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
