I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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