i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
