I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
