So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
