I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
