god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
