Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
