Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
