it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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