Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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