I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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