Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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