I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
