I hope mine doesn't look like that
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
