oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
