i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
