someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
