laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
false alarm, still single
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
