If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
