Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
