from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize