We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
