so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have tasted many bathrooms
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
