I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
