I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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