I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
