Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
